it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
