I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
