i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
