Plan B is the new Plan A
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
