Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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