She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Randomize
