yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
