I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
