oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
