Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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