dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
