I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
