tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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