peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
