he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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