so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
