pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
