Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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