There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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