He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
