A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
