Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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