i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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