you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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