we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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