unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
It's blow job season.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
