apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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