My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
