I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
