she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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