When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
how do flat chested girls get laid?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
