seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
