all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
