My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
