I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
