so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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