my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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