I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
