i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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