I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Randomize
