I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
