You just made me feel so damn special
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I supernannyed him into submission
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Randomize
