I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
