I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Boobs speak an international language.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
