I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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