Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
