Ketchup is God's man juice
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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