omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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