I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
