um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
