I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
